I’ve wanted to write a story my whole adult life. If only wanting was enough. My brain is addicted to narratives to the point that I sometimes care more about other peoples’ stories than I do my own. There is always a moment—usually during my withdrawal phase when a story ends—where a narrative world feels bigger and more compelling than my real one. Every time I sit down to write the same thing happens: my brain stops me to ask why… “why are you writing this story?” My answers must have been unconvincing because my past is littered with half written tales.

RM from BTS did a WeVerse Live earlier this week. In true RM fashion he went deep, not just talking about his hair, training routines and what he had for dinner (the most common WeVerse conversation topics), but how he’s been struggling with insomnia, anxiety, self doubt, and loneliness since his discharge from the military. It was raw and heartfelt and has made me reflect on the social contract between artist and fan—the emotional labour expected and returned.

I’ve been grumpy all weekend and it can’t just be because I’m not into the new TS album? Surely not. They’re just pop songs, and good ones at that. Sonically surprising, catchy, and with memorable lyrics (lol). She promised fun ear worms and she delivered. But the things is, I’ve never been into Taylor Swift just for the ear worms…

There are a few videos on the Internet that I never scroll past. I’ll happily watch every time I stumble across them because they make me feel good.

I don’t really want to dive into why, it’s uncomplicated. I’ve just collected them here for when I need them.

I’ve been a fan of Taylor since my country-music-loving ex-boyfriend introduced me to Fearless when I was 23. That’s a 16-year relationship, longer than I’ve known my husband. And I appreciate that it’s not a real relationship, but because of the way Taylor writes—the way she’s built a narrative multi-verse within her music that connects you to her story in a way that also serves to echo your own life experiences—the connection I have with the idea of ‘Taylor Swift’ is very emotional. That’s why I blacked out a little during the Eras Tour (Eras amnesia is a thing).

I was both moved and disturbed by All Fours. Probably because I’m turning 40 in a few months and I’m terrified of what perimenopause is going to do to my body and brain. Some passages felt like a gut punch. Others made me cringe and snap the book shut, muttering angrily. It was like being seen and attacked simultaneously. The whole thing made me insecure and righteous and confused and repulsed and then insecure again. Unease on loop.

I first stumbled upon the reactionverse when I became a TikTok lurker. Specifically I became hooked on Taylor Swift reactions. As a Fearless era Swiftie, there is something deeply satisfying about watching a TS ‘hater’ slowly change their mind about her talent one song at a time. Reaction videos have existed for as long as YouTube has (about 20 years), but the number of them has exploded in the past 3 years. There’s probably a multitude of reasons for this, but the one that stands out for me is supply and demand: it’s not just me who’s getting a kick out of watching people like what they like.

The question I ask myself these days when I’m deep in the scroll is, “are you doomscrolling or bloomscrolling?”  

Does my time spent online leave me feeling happier, more connected, more creative, hopeful about the future?

OR does it make me feel afraid, concerned, despairing, as if the future is hopeless?