IV: a charm invests
This is the 4th part (!) in a series (!) Read the rest: I | II | III
I’ve been playing a lot of chess instead of writing because this one has been hard. Whenever I sit down to write, something more pressing comes up, and yet when I’m doing literally anything else (making lunchboxes, walking the dog, showering), this unfolding story is all I think about. It’s infuriating.
I think I’ve had a fear of technical difficulty because part IV of Willa’s tale came to me mostly via text messages and voice notes. It’s taken time to figure out the best way to bring it together — to consider when to share the chat verbatim and when to take creative license. While I’ve dithered about this, the irl story continues to get weirder. I predict at some point my 3 readers are going to begin asking me if I’m making this whole thing up.
Anyway, I’m discovering the best way around the writer’s block is through. If I acknowledge my thoughts and struggles within the story, they lessen. So don’t mind me as I get increasingly meta.
Here we go: a few days after Ben appeared to have a sudden change of heart during In the Mood for Love, I got this message from Willa:
Ben asked me out.
What did you say!?
I don’t know.
As in, you don’t know what you said? Or you said you don’t know?
Second one 🙇🏼♀️
She’s now an unhappy member of the juiciest love triangle in her school’s history and everyone thinks she’s the bad guy. Of course, no one except Charli knows about the 4-year imaginary relationship Willa had with Ben before the events of Part III. Even if they did, it’s doubtful that would tip the reputational balance in her favour.
The facts as the rest of the school understand them, are thus:
Charli and Ben hooked up one Saturday in October.
The following Monday, he u-turned and started chasing Willa, Charli’s supposed BFF.
If you need further proof that the world will always jump at the chance to blame a woman for a man’s behaviour, everyone seems to have agreed Ben’s flip flop is somehow Willa’s fault.
I would roll my eyes at the obviousness of it all if it weren’t for two things:
Firstly, Ben does seem to have developed a rapid onset obsession. Suddenly he’s ‘bumping’ into Willa outside classes like he’s memorised her timetable. Also new: she’s had more real conversations with him in the past month than imaginary ones. He even followed her on insta and has started sending funny dog reels at all hours of the day and night.
Secondly, Willa herself is convinced she’s to blame because of that moment when she cut Ben and Charli’s emotional connection with an imaginary rage knife. Bless.
As a result — despite pining for this boy for years — Willa is doing her best to avoid him. She’s not enjoying being the school’s main character, and things are irreparably awkward with Charli. They are no longer speaking. Two weeks ago, Charli witnessed Ben trying to engage Willa in a conversation about the Kansas City Chiefs’ dwindling playoff chances (she was just checking to see if TS was there lol). When he finally wandered off looking deflated, Charli turned to her and said,
“What the actual fuck did you do to him?”
Willa’s life flashed before her eyes, in part because of the injustice of it, but also because she couldn’t shake the guilty feeling that she had, in fact, ‘done something to him.’ She kept remembering the rush she’d felt after fastening those severed strands of Ben’s connection with Charli to her own chest. Gleeful. Righteous. Drained. Powerful.
“What have I done?!” She spluttered. “Literally exist. It’s not my fault he’s finally noticed.”
With that she stormed off into the dying sunset of her friendship with Charli.
So are you going to do it?
What?
Go out with Ben, obv.
still don’t know
What’s the worst that could happen?
He realises he doesn’t really like me… or he does? It’s fucked either way.
Do you want my opinion?
No thanks
Sorry that was a rhetorical question
😐
Don’t you owe it to yourself to try? You’ve dreamed about this guy for years.
You’re reminding me of my favourite Emily Dickinson poem.Who?
A Charm invests a face
Imperfectly beheld—
The Lady dare not lift her Veil
For fear it be dispelled—
But peers beyond her mesh—
And wishes—and denies—
Lest Interview—annul a want
That Image—satisfies—Who’s Emily Dickinson?
😱 Only the most interesting female literary figure in American history?
What do they even teach you at school? Stop distracting me though, that’s not the point.There’s a point?
Maybe the worst thing that could happen is you realise *you* don’t really like *him*?
Or you do. Maybe you’re afraid to find out…🖕 I already get enough uninvited therapy from my mum, you know.
A few nights later, Willa told me she’d agreed to go out with Ben, which is as close as I’ll get to an acknowledgement that I was right. Then she asked me a question that really kicked my Swiftie big sis energy into gear: “how do I make him like me for real, tho?”
Regardless of whether she has magical coercive powers, the idea of making someone like you is silly and unnecessary. Attraction is simple af. Social psych 101 tells us that it’s generally driven by just 3 things: proximity, similarity, reciprocity.
I explained this to Willa and she seemed almost offended by the simplicity of it.
“So you’re saying if I see him all the time, we have things in common, and I like him back, that’s enough!?”
Ah humans… we so badly want to believe we’re more complicated than we are.
I suggested Willa use her date to test out Aron’s theory of accelerated closeness. For the non-psych geeks out there, it’s a ‘97 study during which strangers were paired off and made to ask each other 36 questions that became increasingly personal. At the end of the session, each couple had to stare into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes. I tested this on my husband when we were dating and can confirm it’s as awkward as it sounds, but also, we’re married now. Further studies have shown that the questions do reliably bring about feelings of increased closeness — although not always ‘romantic’ ones. It’s one of my favourite pieces of research because it proves my own personal theory of love: that some people are predisposed to fall for anyone. Humans are fascinating, all you need is curiosity and a window into someone’s mind and you’re halfway there. Add some physical chemistry and 🧨
With that pep talk done (very well imo), I sent Willa off on her date with Ben. He’d suggested they go to the mall. Swoon.
It was fine. That was the word Willa used to describe it. Don’t take my word for it, here’s a transcript of the voice note she sent me afterward:
“Umm so it was… fine. He’s nice. Cute. I’m not sure if he thinks I like him anymore? But yeah, your plan worked at first. I asked him some of your stupid questions, his answers were… surprising. That was the best bit of the date tbh. I don’t think they made me fall in love, though. Honestly, I’m super confused now. Is this what dating is? Liking the feeling of being liked until it feels real?”
I was so on point with that Emily Dickinson poem. Fantasy is so often better than reality.
For Willa, years of elaborate imaginings were suddenly replaced with the reality of walking around a mall looking at shops with the ‘man(child) of her dreams’. They shared a giant pretzel covered with salted caramel icing. Willa was super self-conscious about eating in front of him so she hoarded free wet wipe sachets. He thought it was hilarious. They went to Timezone and he got a bit butthurt when she beat him at Mario Kart. She let him win the next round. He drove her home. They had an awkward moment in the car when she could feel he was planning to kiss her so she pecked him on the cheek and bolted. She said she didn’t think he really wanted to kiss her, more like he felt the date would have been a failure if he didn’t. His success metrics were obviously different to hers.
These were the questions she asked him from Aron’s study (“re-worded to make them less cringe”). I’ve included what she can remember of his answers.
“Would you like to be famous? For what?”
Ben’s not interested in being a celebrity, but he would love to play Counterstrike in the Majors one day.
Side note: my mind is genuinely blown by these couch athletes. My husband showed me a live League of Legends match the other day and it was wild.
“What’s your ideal day?”
Sleep in. Play games. Have his mum make him brunch. Play footie in the park with his mates. Have some beers. Go to a gatho. If he’s lucky, get lucky.
I thought millennials were meant to be the cringe-y generation. Also, mega red flag to say this on a date imo. Teenage boys are tools.
“Do you get along with your parents?”
Well enough as long as he doesn’t tell them anything. His mum worries, his Dad overreacts. They have high expectations of him and sometimes he has the urge to turn his life into a dumpster fire just to see what they’d do.
Relatable, no notes.
Willa didn’t get to answer the questions herself because Ben missed those social cues. The longer the date went on, the more disconnected she felt. Worse, she could feel her lack of enthusiasm seeping into her behaviour. She had the sense that Ben could feel her waning interest and wanted to retreat, but couldn’t. Willa said she could feel the tug in her chest each time Ben tried to emotionally pull away from her, like he was a tiny bird trapped in a glass house. She became convinced the emotional knot she’d tied with her phantom hands was trapping him, and she didn’t know how to undo it.
I know what you’re thinking, is Willa crazy? I reckon trying to exist in the adult world without a fully developed frontal cortex is tantamount to madness, from my memory of the experience, so let’s give her the benefit of the doubt. I’m 40 in two weeks and I still can’t handle life most of the time.
When Willa got to the safety of her bedroom, she already had a message from Ben saying good night. Despite the awkward turn the date had taken he was still stuck on the idea of her. For Willa, Aron’s theory had backfired — reality, and even vulnerability — had not caused a feeling of increased closeness, but decreased interest. She longed to return to the world of her daydreams where everything was simple. Willa was now convinced there was no genuine feeling behind Ben’s behaviour toward her, just some kind of disturbing compulsion. Naturally, she took her concerns to the nearest available sympathetic ear, which alas, was not me, but her more responsive and less judgy Large Language Model. Here is the conversation, edited for clarity.
Willa: Is there a way to untangle someone’s emotions from yours?
Chat: Untangling your emotions from someone else’s is definitely possible. Humans mix their feelings with others’ all the time, especially when there’s intensity, history, or guilt involved. The good news is: there are ways to separate what’s yours from what’s theirs.
Here are a few approaches that actually work.
1. Get really clear on what you feel.
When emotions get tangled, they blur together.
Try asking yourself:
“What do I want here?”
“What do I actually feel for this person, separate from what they feel for me?”
If you can name your own emotions, it becomes easier to recognise which ones aren’t yours.
2. Notice where feelings come from.
People often adopt someone else’s emotions without realising:
Someone likes you → you feel pressure to like them back.
Someone pulls away → you feel rejected even if nothing changed for you internally.
Ask:
“If this person weren’t acting like this, would I still be feeling what I’m feeling?”
That’s a really strong separator.
3. Take time away from the person.
You don’t have to ghost them — even a little distance helps.
Emotions tend to “settle” when you’re not in the other person’s presence or orbit. What remains afterward is usually yours.
4. Reality-check with someone who isn’t involved.
Saying things out loud to a neutral person (or, honestly, me) helps you hear which emotions sound like your voice and which sound like fear, obligation, or someone else’s expectations.
5. Give yourself permission for your feelings to change.
A lot of emotional entanglement comes from feeling like you’re supposed to feel a certain way. But if what you expected to feel is different to your lived reality, it’s because your feelings have shifted. That’s natural.
6. And this is important: feelings are complicated, and you don’t have to understand everything straight away.
Sometimes clarity only arrives when you’re actually in the situation.
Untangling isn’t something you do all at once.
It’s more like gradually orienting yourself and noticing:
“Oh. That feeling wasn’t mine after all.”
If you want, I can help you sort through what might be yours versus what might be coming from the situation or from other people’s reactions?
Willa: So you're saying that feeling someone’s feelings can be so intense I might be getting confused?
Chat: Yes — exactly.
And it’s way more common than people think.
Humans are naturally leaky, emotional creatures. When you’re around someone you care about, or someone whose opinion matters to you, your brain mirrors their emotional state without asking your permission.
That mirroring can get especially intense when:
you’ve imagined a connection for a long time
there’s sudden attention or affection
there’s guilt or conflict
or you’re simply a very sensitive person
Some people are more attuned than others — they pick up emotional shifts like radio signals, even when they don’t want to. If you’re one of those people, it can genuinely feel like someone else’s feelings are sitting inside your chest.
Learning to separate your feelings from others’ is a skill, and the fact you’re noticing the difference already means you’re ahead of most people.
Would you like to know more about how to develop these kinds of skills?
Willa: yeah.
And then the LLM stopped responding in that thread and wouldn’t re-start no matter how many times she prompted.
Is that not the most weirdly specific AI conversation? Willa promises me she didn’t give it any additional context before she started the chat. So how did it know she was talking about being liked by someone? Why did it give her this hyper accurate example, “you’ve imagined a connection for a long time?” And WHY did it tell her she might be feeling someone else’s feelings INSIDE HER CHEST!? Wtf.
So yeah, don’t talk to AI about this, please. It’s creeping me out.
Also, how crazy is it that Gen Z don’t use manners with the robots?